Judas Asparagus

I received this in an email. It is so cute and made me laugh. Enjoy!

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except forMethuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Domestic Felicity: Student debt gone to extreme

Mrs. Anna T. over at Domestic Felicity has a good article on questioning student debt gone to extreme.

Like many young women raised to reject God's ways and embrace feminism instead (and I didn't need to be raised that way, I would have followed the crooked path of my sinful heart on my own!), I incurred huge student debt to pursue a career I never wanted in my heart of hearts.

Thanks to God, after many years in the workforce, I have paid off that debt and am now debt-free (renting an apartment). Nevertheless, I wasted years earning money to pay off debt to which I should never have enslaved myself. We have a merciful God in Christ Jesus!

And may other dear young ladies be warned by my bad example!

Doug Phillips' Commentary on American Missionaries in Haiti Charged with Child Kidnapping

Doug Phillips of Vision Forum gives an excellent analysis of the recent charges brought against American missionaries in Haiti. Click on this link.

What I Require in a Gospel Tract in Order to Buy and Distribute It

1. It must be attractive, good design, visually pleasing

"Only let your conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ: that whether I come and see you, or else be absent, I may hear of your affairs, that ye stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel;" (Phillipians 1:27)

2. It must give a clear exposition of the gospel, including a discussion of SIN.

All who would be Christians need to hear the bad news before we can be grateful for the good news.

"Now we know that what things soever the law saith, it saith to them who are under the law: that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God." (Romans 3:19)

"The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them."(Matthew 11:5)

"And [Jesus was] saying, The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel." (Mark 1:15)

3. It must quote directly from the Bible. No paraphrase "bibles" (The Message, New Living Translation).

"So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17).

"What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it." (Deuteronomy 12:32)

4. It must be God-honoring, portraying God as His word does: as sovereign, good, holy, mighty, faithful, merciful, just and as Creator, Savior, Lord and Judge of all men.

In the modern "church," there is an almost blasphemous portrayal of God as a buddy, someone we are equal terms with. He is portrayed as being made in our image. This is evil, and I would never buy or give out a "gospel tract" that portrayed God that way.

We must be reverent, worshipful, humble and grateful before God, and we must never lie about Who He Is! It is only because of the gracious condescension, mercy and love of God that He allows us to have a relationship with Him in Christ.

God does not fit our (sinful) idea of love and friendship, rather He teaches us what true love and friendship is. He is the Judge of us; we are not the judges of Him!

"I neither learned wisdom, nor have the knowledge of the holy.

Who hath ascended up into heaven, or descended? who hath gathered the wind in his fists? who hath bound the waters in a garment? who hath established all the ends of the earth? what is his name, and what is his son's name, if thou canst tell?

Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him." (Proverbs 30:3-5)

"Moreover the LORD answered Job, and said, Shall he that contendeth with the Almighty instruct him? he that reproveth God, let him answer it.

Then Job answered the LORD, and said, Behold, I am vile; what shall I answer thee? I will lay mine hand upon my mouth. Once have I spoken; but I will not answer: yea, twice; but I will proceed no further." (Job 40:1-5)

"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.

Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.

Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.

These things I command you, that ye love one another." (John 15:12-17)

5. It must not say "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life," tell the reader to insert their name into John 3:16, or some similar gimmick.

How do you know? How do you know that if they hear the true gospel, they will believe? It's presumptuous at best and a falsehood at worst.

"For many are called, but few are chosen" (Matthew 22:14).

6. It must not tell the person how special they are, and that's why God loves them and offers them salvation, or a similar false "self-esteem gospel."

While it's true that every person is made in the image of God and is therefore valuable beyond measure, it's also true that each person is also a depraved, despicable sinner (since the fall, except for Jesus Christ), who is in desperate need of the way the truth and the life, Jesus Christ.

"They are all gone aside, they are all together become filthy: there is none that doeth good, no, not one." (Psalm 14:3)

"For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him." (2 Corinithians 5:21)

"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6)

7. It must not emphasize the person "choosing" or "deciding" to believe in Jesus or "commit his life" to Jesus. Or "choosing" to go to heaven instead of hell.

Faith is neither an intellectual decision nor existential (of an act of the will in the flesh to “create” a reality).

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)

8. It must not lead the reader in a "sinner's prayer."

We have enough lost people who think they are Christians because they were: led in a prayer, prayed for, walked down an aisle, baptized, raised in a church, raised in a Christian family, raised in the "Bible Belt," sent to Vacation Bible School (VBS), and all the other ways people are not saved.

"Therefore I endure all things for the elect's sakes, that they may also obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory." (2 Timothy 2:10)

"Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." (John 3:3)

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)

Whiter Teeth the Frugal Way

My favorite tip to keep your teeth white inexpensively is to brush your teeth with a little hydrogen peroxide (HP) along with your toothpaste a few times a week. No need to pay for a dentist or buy those $20 hydrogen peroxide strip kits. After brushing a bit to get some foam started with the toothpaste, sip (don't swallow!) only about 1/2 a teaspoon of hydrogen peroxide from a glass you've poured a bit of HP into and swish your teeth with it. Then brush as usual. I don't actually measure the HP; I just "eyeball" it. After brushing and spitting out the toothpaste/HP, I rinse my tongue with water, but not my teeth, so the HP has time to work to whiten the teeth. Then after 10 or 15 minutes, I rinse my whole mouth with water.

This will only work on natural teeth, not caps, crowns, etc. If your mouth gets sore or you develop canker sores, then use less often. Your teeth might be a little "sensitive" after--that's normal. At first, when my teeth were quite yellow, I did this three days in a row. However, for maintenance, I usually only brush with HP once or twice a week.

Good dental care is so important, not only to your smile, but to overall health. A healthy person is the most attractive. So take care of those choppers!

For more information about health issues caused or exacerbated by poor dental health:

From Wrong Diagnosis, symptoms of tooth decay, including comorbid symptoms

Tooth decay and gum disease linked to heart attacks


I highly recommend using a Sonicare, if you can afford it--I found mine on sale for $20, and I usually use rechargeable batteries to power it. Be gentle and thoroughly rinse and air dry the brush head after each use, and you can easily extend the life of the brush head to 9 months, or maybe more. You will save much money in dentist bills because it improves the health of your teeth and gums when used properly.

But you can have healthy gums and white teeth with a regular manual toothbrush. Always floss, no matter what type of toothbrush you use. When you floss, it should be gentle, and feel like a tickle, as you gently work the floss around between your teeth. Then use a soft brush head, to very gently scrub with small, slow gentle circular strokes along the gum line and the surface of the teeth. You only need a small pea-sized bead of toothpaste; using any more than that is just a waste of toothpaste (money).

A friend of mine would only brush once per day (until she basically lost most of her teeth to decay; now in her 60's, she has thousands of dollars worth of fake teeth). If you have to pick a time of day to brush your teeth, then pick the evening before you go to bed. However, you can safely brush two or three times a day as long as you are GENTLE and swish and rinse thoroughly with water.

Debating Christianity

I thought it might be fun and interesting for my readers to read some of the threads I've posted in on the web site Debating Christianity. I've attempted in these threads to defend the faith and debate some people with anti-Christian philosophies and worldviews.

How do you respond when someone has an angry challenge or hostile response to your faith in Christ? Do you have a philosophy of apologetics or have an interest in apologetics? Or maybe it's "forced upon you" by unbelieving family? How do you handle it, if you're a believer and your family are all unbelievers?

The Importance of Vitamin D

For several weeks, maybe even months, I've been feeling quite rundown. I wasn't sick enough to go to the doctor with anything...just extremely tired, infections coming and slowly going, mild nausea, down mood, not sleeping well, and fatigued. I've even been late/stayed home from work a few days, and morning worship on the Lord's Day one day.

I was praying to God about this strange malaise, and I remembered my mom telling me about how common vitamin D deficiency is, especially during the winter in overcast Western Washington State, where we live. Vitamin D is the vitamin our bodies produce when the skin of our face and hands/arms is exposed to strong sunlight for 10-15 minutes per day. It is also available in certain foods. I didn't think much of it at the time because I love the rain and the hazy grays of winter here, but I realized that for months, I've been going to/coming home from work when it's dark and avoiding egg yolks (to save fat and cholesterol) and other vitamin D-rich foods.

Vitamin D aids the body's absorption of calcium and strengthens the body's digestion process, immune system, and sleep cycles (I think). I bought some OTC vitamin D pills and have been taking 2,000 IUs per day for the past few days.

I can't believe the difference! All my energy and vivacity has come back and my eye and ear infections have cleared up. My digestion is very good and my nausea has disappeared.

Please consider if you might have vitamin D deficiency and take pills/get more sunlight/eat more vitamin D-rich foods. Doctors can check this as well, and even prescribe a high-dose vitamin D if you have very low levels. Such a simple thing to fix, and I feel so much better! :-)

A prolonged vitamin D deficiency can cause even more serious health problems. Here's a link for more information.